The following (redacted) transcripts have been approved for release by the Free Spaz Network, taken from their last effort to find Spaz:

***

On Thu, Apr 18, 2013 at 6:20 AM, <XXXXXXXXXX> wrote:
Subject: I has found Sapz! Is can has cookie noaw?

Hay Gusy!

Ok lissen, I know where Sapz is lol. You can lookit here on wiper connections: http://viperconnect.forumotion.ca/t366-mia-vpilot-found

So he is in Cuba (North-South Afreeca)

***

From: Free Spaz Network [mailto:pleasefreespaz@gmail.com]
Sent: Thursday, April 18, 2013 15:28
To: XXXXXXXXXXX
Subject: Re: I has found Sapz! Is can has cookie noaw?

XXXXX,

Thanks for getting in touch with us! I would give you a cookie, but based on your typing/spelling/geography skills... sounds like i should check with one of your parents first!

Regardless, thanks for your reply and information. We were made aware of Spaz's post on "Viper Connect" yesterday and have looked into the matter. Although we did our best to locate Cuba off the North-South cost of Africa, we could not find it... so we assume that the poster meant Cuba, as in Cuba... the one not anywhere near africa.

Although we can confirm that the images in the post are indeed Spaz, we believe the post was made by someone else. We are deeply troubled with the image of Spaz standing adjacent to an SAM missile. It is our belief that Spaz's captors plan to strap him to the missile and launch him at the easiest target in the Falcon 4 sky... you. All the best in trying to dodge the SA-SPAZ.

Regards,
The FSN

***

On Thu, Apr 18, 2013 at 12:23 PM, XXXXXXXXXXXXX <XXXXXXXXXXXXXX> wrote:
Subject: Re: I has found Sapz! Is can has cookie noaw?

Dear FSN-staff ey,

The errors in spelling, grammar and geography were in fact caused by the auto-translate-to-Canadian-English-system we have running at work. Since I’m home now, the language should be proper. If however you do have difficulties understanding, I shall gladly resend this email from work tomorrow, ey!

The disappearance of Spaz in indeed very troubling. Surely there must be a way to “backtrace” the origin of the post made on Viper Connect. I was thinking we could perhaps hire the man in this video. He clearly means business!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jG1h-BAYSbE

As for my own safety, you need not worry. Over the many years of rigorous flight-training, I have mastered the skill of flying over enemy territory is such a way that the hostile forces believe me to be one of their own. The only serious threat to me appears to be a person of whom not much is known apart from these facts I have been able to gather:
- Tends to park his plane mid-runway
- Tends to never show up when I’m flying
- Tends to spend far too much time on the FSN
- Has severe index finger spasms causing him to fire several mad dogs per flight

Alas, I must redirect my focus to more pressing matters now. I can promise you though, on my mother’s grave, that I shall spend as much of my time at work tomorrow trying to find Spaz.

Your efforts are truly appreciated in the search. I wish you all the best on the continuation and you shall be hearing from me again soon.

Best regards,

XXXXX ey

***

From: Free Spaz Network [mailto:pleasefreespaz@gmail.com]
Sent: Thursday, April 19, 2013 13:16
To: XXXXXXXXXXX
Subject: Re: I has found Sapz! Is can has cookie noaw?

XXXX,

We appreciate you attempting to use "proper" canadian english, however, it's "eh", not "ey". We understand that these nuances might be lost on a barbaric people such as yourselves over there in <insert country other than canada>. Although this is detracting from my search for Spaz, i provide the following canadian snippits to you for future use:

"Good day, eh?"
"Take off you hoser."
"Double-double and a jelly-filled please."
"It's fucking cold out eh? Should get out the sleds and hit the trails."
"I'll bring the 2-4 for May 24."

Also note that you can add "please" to the end of just about any sentence and you'll fit right in.

The FSN thanks you again for your continued assistance in finding Spaz. Please stay safe and keep some distance between yourself and the asshole you wrote of in your last message.

The individual in the youtube video that you linked is frightening indeed. In fact, we believe it may be one of spaz's kidnappers (who we believe are working in conjunction with someone named "Bonnie"). Thanks for the lead!

Sincerely,
The FSN

***

Eh!! I want some of them DRUGS!!!

LOL

Brian

More documents that have been reviewed, redacted and cleared for the public:

***

From: XXXX XXXX <XXXX_XXXX@outlook.com>
To: "pleasefreespaz@gmail.com" <pleasefreespaz@gmail.com>
Subject: fsd
Date: Thu, 18 Apr 2013 14:23:31 +0200

fds

***

Date: Thu, 18 Apr 2013 09:33:36 -0400
Message-ID: <CAL=ALsXJ9t+2ep5Vi+Fy7t+odACtgFMdcUU842xNSaqLOr3zzA@mail.gmail.com>
Subject: Re: fsd
From: Free Spaz Network <pleasefreespaz@gmail.com>
To: XXXX XXXX <XXXX_XXXX@outlook.com>

XXXX,

Thanks for contacting the Free Spaz Network. We know who you are. We were hoping that you would eventually reach out to us so that we can discuss terms for the release of Spaz. Although it is not normally our policy to negotiate with kidnappers, we are willing to talk in this instance as we just miss our poor Spaz so much.

Our investigators are currently attempting to decipher your message, which we presume is a ransom note, to confirm your demands.

Please be gentle with our friend and make sure he gets a nice cup of warm milk before bed, otherwise his tummy gets upset.

With only evil intentions,
The FPN

***

From: XXXX XXXX <XXXX_XXXX@outlook.com>
To: Free Spaz Network <pleasefreespaz@gmail.com>
Subject: Do as we say or Spaz gets it.
Date: Fri, 19 Apr 2013 14:59:44 +0200

I will contact you this weekend with my demands. Do not contact us again! Failure to comply will result in a finger cut off from Spaz's right hand. We're not kidding around. The message we wrote is Spaz's muffled utterances. Fsd...fsd, and so on. It's just to let you know that he is still alive. In a manner of speaking. Come to think of it, perhaps what he's asking for is his warm milk? Well, too late now, he's in the punishment-room for misbehaving.

My colleague XXXX is in the meantime busy making a ransom-letter from magazine cutouts. We're out of A's And D's though, so he's stuck at the word DEMAND. Do you have some spare magazines? If so, we'll gladly take some! Oh and glue, we need more glue. This is harder than it seems you know! We're doing our very best. If you could throw in a pizza also, it would be greatly appreciated! Our current hideout is at: XXXXX XXXXX XXXXX. Or if you want to deliver it in person, just follow the loud rock music and the gagged screams and you're right there!

Hope we hear from you soon and glad to do business with you! We'll be sure to recommend the Free Spaz Network to our other clients. Happy holidays and live long and prosper!

-Da kidnapperz

***

Date: Fri, 19 Apr 2013 09:32:52 -0400
Subject: Re: Do as we say or Spaz gets it.
From: Free Spaz Network <pleasefreespaz@gmail.com>
To: XXXX XXXX <XXXX_XXXX@outlook.com>

OH GOD PLEASE DON'T HURT OUR LITTLE SPAZ!!!

Magazines and pizza are inbound. I trust this meets your ransom demands and we can end this madness. Please don't cut off any of his fingers... each finger represents 1/10th of his love-life!!

I'm concerned with the "noobness" of this kidnapping. Using real names, providing your address... come on! The Free Spaz Network was created to deal with elite terrorists, not weekend-kidnappers! Maybe you should just let him go and we can all play some Borderlands instead. Sound fair?

Regards,
FSN

***

From: XXXX XXXX <XXXX_XXXX@outlook.com>
To: Free Spaz Network <pleasefreespaz@gmail.com>
Subject: Wow, are you on your periods or what?
Date: Thu, 25 Apr 2013 11:25:20 +0200

Excuse me, no need to get your knickers in a twist Mr manager. What was that anyway? Weekend kidnappers? I'll have you know that we are THE elite. Yup. We underwent rigorous training in a top-secret location in Saxtörpsskogen in southwestern Sweden. If you look it up on googlymaps, you can't see it, and that's cause because we infiltrated googel and blurred it! Ha!

We have ideals however and are not interested in hurting Spaz anymore. We're actually kinda eager to get rid of him, he keeps squealing that he wants to keep the index and middlefinger on his right hand. Says he "needs it this weekend when he meets up with the guys". Not sure what he means by that, but he keeps repeating it with a yearning sort of voice.
We're going to let your friend go now, cause they're showing Ren & Stimpy reruns in half an hour. Oh and the pizza just arrived! With drinks! And extra cheese! How did you know we wanted that? You checked us up on myspace didn't you, you sly bastard! Wow, this is amazing! A sincere thank you from all of us at Da kidnapperz, we won't forget this. Spaz is on his way now, smiling and unharmed and WTF THERES SHRIMP ON THE PIZZA!!!!! I hate shrimp!! Goddamned revolting little sea-maggots. ffs i can't believe this and ren and stimpy starts in ten minutes, shit damnit ....

***

Date: Thu, 25 Apr 2013 12:13:14 -0400
From: Free Spaz Network <pleasefreespaz@gmail.com>
To: XXXX XXXX <XXXX_XXXX@outlook.com>

You made my day XXXX! Not only am i relieved that Spaz will be coming home soon, but i got a good laugh out of it at the same time.

Thanks for playing along, you guys are the best!

Regards,
XXXX... i mean, the FreeSpazNetwork (that isn't XXXX)

***
EOT

...bump. There was an error in transmission during the last upload. All transcripts complete. Despite assurances that spaz had been freed... he is still nowhere to be found.

He should have never stood next to that SA2 and had his picture taken. It doomed him to Oblivion!!!

Brian